I certainly wasn’t the first person to jump into an early marriage prematurely, but when I walked down the aisle and made those vows under the watchful eyes of a Catholic priest and family and friends, it was with all intentions of this being for life, unto death, and that is probably the only reason why I made it nine years before even considering severing that bond. Becoming a Catholic, thinking my new husband was also devoted to Church and to his new wife, I at first rationalized that having a husband who could not seem to bring in an adequate paycheck was no reason to back out of this situation. After all, my parents had had their rough days, and they had survived the years. But after feeling as though we were constantly under a big black cloud that just would not let up, and after having lost baby after baby, before finally having a beautiful daughter, and after having a fire that almost destroyed a house we finally had obtained, I had to face the fact that I was just too unhappy and insecure to continue the charade.

Let me try to explain what happened to lead up to this drastic decision……

Approximately two years after our wedding, Tony was honorably discharged from the Navy, with basically nothing to show for his four years in the service. With no where to go, and no money to rent a home, they headed to a residential area outside of Boston, moving in with Tony’s parents, and both began to look for a civilian job. Tony had no skills, no education beyond his high school diploma, but promised he would mop floors at night, if that was what it took. By that time, Ann realized she was pregnant, and had not gone to a doctor as yet, but planned to once they had some money coming in. Although Tony looked and looked for a job, nothing other that a highly suspect car wash company offered him any work. Ann looked in the local paper, saw an ad for a receptionist in an insurance office, applied, and immediately went to work. It paid minimum wage of that time, but was more than what Tony had been offered, along with tips. Tony returned home each night tired and dirty, and Ann suspected the Italian man who ran the business ran some sort of Mafia business behind the scenes, especially after Tony kept telling her he planed on “promoting” him to some sort of delivery job.

With no one to mentor them that Ann would trust, three months went by. They argued about the so-called job Tony was working, with no pay that Ann could see coming in she started packing her suitcases, planning to head home to Jacksonville. Living with a large family was quite stressful for her, but she tried her best to be friendly to Tony’s family. They were nice enough, though she seldom saw anything of Tony’s father. His mother was very sweet to Ann, but very worn out, and didn’t have anything much to say. His two sisters were young, still in high school, and the youngest about 5th or 6th grade. His brother, Eddie and his wife Elisa lived on the bottom floor of the Old New England house, while Tony and Ann were given an attic room, with just a bed and a dresser. Eliza and Ann became friends, at least they were close in age, and Eliza was taking care of her young child, about a year old. They really had very little in common, but paled around when Ann wasn’t working, and Tony was at the car wash.

Ann became convinced there was something not right about that car wash, when the owner invited Tony and a few other people over to explain some business proposition he was putting together. Exactly what that was, Ann had no idea, for the wives and girlfriends were not allowed to sit in on the meeting. Tony was very vague about what it was, and as the weeks went by, he never seemed to be bringing any money home from all his hours spent laboring at the car was. Finally, they had a big argument, and Ann packed her things into two suitcases, and while trying to drag them down from the attic room, she slipped, and went bumping down the stairs. Immediately, it seemed everyone in the house was there, asking her if she was okay. Ann was dazed, and after a little while, started having pains in her abdomen. Tony and Eliza helped her into Eddie’s car, and they headed into Boston to the Boston Women’s Hospital, where they took her right in.

After examining her, interns and doctors advised her that she was probably about five to six months along, much too soon for the child to be born safely. They immediately began to administer hormones by I.V. to try to stop the contractions. As the hours went by, however, the pains became more and more severe, and it was apparent to Ann, that it was of no avail. Tony, being uneducated about pregnancy and childbirth, left with his friends to have drinks and cigars, celebrating the birth of a baby with no chance of making it. The hours passed, and finally Ann lost consciousness, and when she finally woke up, she was informed that the baby did not make it. Actually, Ann felt a sense of relief, rather than deep sorrow, for she felt that it was better for the child, since they could not even afford a home for any of them.

When she was released, after waiting all day for someone to pick her up, she informed Tony she was returning to Jacksonville, for she felt their chances at Tony and her getting employment was much better there. So they packed their few belongings in a small open trailer Tony rented to hook onto the back of an old car of a friend who had agreed to take them to Jacksonville in. Ann was furious about the trailer, because, naturally, it began to rain frogs and lizards as soon as they passed by New York, and many of her treasured science fiction books were destroyed by the time they arrived in Jacksonville.

Fortunately, Ann’s folks had bought a three bedroom house in Southside, that was actually nicer than their house in Arlington, although older, and in an older settled neighborhood, nearby where she had attended First and Second grade as a child. They also had two new members of their family, to Ann’s delight, two Chihuahuas, named Jose and Margarita, and shortly after their moving in, her Dad showed up one night with a third very small Chihuahua they named Tina Maria, but called Teeny Weenie. She was so cute, when her Dad pulled her out of his shirt pocket, wearing a miniature Sombrero, shaking like a leaf. It turned out that a child visiting them had mishandled Teeny, and she was permanently a very nervous little dog, although vicious in defending Ann’s mother from any perceived threat.

Not long after that Ann obtained a job at Blue Cross/Blue Shield as a clerk scanning mail from subscriber’s, and she quickly learned to whom to refer the replies to, even composing some of the simple replies herself. Somehow, Tony and Ann managed to buy an old car that was somewhat reliable, so Ann could drive to Riverside for work. Tony managed to get one menial job after another, for the coming year, although none of them worked out for the long run, and they rented a very small house in Arlington. Then Ann discovered she was pregnant again, although no one would speak that word back then, rather whispering “P.G.” That pregnancy ended one day, when Ann felt some painful cramping, stayed home from work, and called her doctor, but by the time the doctor called back, the fetus had expelled itself, when she felt an urge to go to the bathroom. Ann had gazed down into the bloody water and could not bring herself to retrieve whatever horror of nature she imagined it might be, and flushed the toilet, to the doctor’s shock, and nervous laugh. Ann was shocked at herself, but had never seen so much blood, and in a flash, it was gone.

One thing could be said about their marriage, no matter how desperate their finances were, whether Ann or Tony were apparently quite fertile, she found herself “P. G” again in a few months. By this time, Ann was determined this baby was going to be okay, and planned to quit work when she was about six months along. Blue Cross did not provide any kind of maternity leave, but she thought surely they would hire her back after she spent a few months home with the baby. However, Tony found himself out of a job when the baby was almost due, and decided to return to Boston to look for a job and a house to live in after the baby arrived.

In the meantime, Ann spent her time reading her books and painting by number, as her feet swelled, and she got closer and closer to the time of her delivery. Finally, one evening, after her friend Janet had paid her a visit at her mother’s home, where she had moved in again, she began to have severe cramping and called her doctor, an elderly and kindly man of much experience delivering babies at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Riverside. He had her come in the next day, for the contractions were not getting closer together as they should. Since she was nowhere near dilating, he sent her home with instructions to take paregoric for the pain. It did help the pain somewhat, but the contractions continued after it wore off. So finally, on the night of the Full Moon, he admitted her, though the hospital was so full, there were no rooms to be had.

Rather than doing something to induce the labor, he continued to watch her, until it was obvious, that baby just was not coming on its own. So he had her X-rayed and they prepared her for a Cesarean section. Finally, Ann thought, something was happening, as the anesthesiologist put her to sleep, praying she would have a beautiful little girl to take home. But when she woke, she didn’t know where she was at first, but she thought she recognized the curtains as the ones in her Aunt Frances’ house, then she saw Frances staring at her with a sad look on her face, and Ann realized where she was. “What’s wrong?” she managed to get out, then saw her Mother standing beside Frances with the same sad look. Ann’s worst nightmare was that the baby might be born deformed, or have something terribly wrong with it. She was almost relieved, when she was informed, that the baby had had the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck, and had suffocated before it could be delivered. The doctor was beside himself, for he knew he had made the wrong decision by not taking the baby sooner, but Ann asked if there was any reason why she couldn’t have another, holding his hand , trying to console him.

Amazingly people from their Arlington neighborhood visited her, and expressed their condolences at her loss, but Ann kept up her appearance that she was handling the situation okay. Inwardly though, she was furious that Tony was again not with her, during her time of need. Why she didn’t just end this charade of a marriage, then who knows, except that somehow she felt there was a child, a little girl would come from this marriage, and amazingly, a year later, Ann and Tony found themselves doing much better, and purchased another house in Arlington, and had it furnished nicely, including a crib and bassinet in the third bedroom for the baby she knew would make it this time.

She, Tony and her parents had all decided to buy a home together before that, and had bought a four bedroom house with a den, living room and dining room, and Denise had been born, with no problems, for the doctor had put her in the hospital a week early to make sure it would be okay. The elderly doctor had retired, and his younger partner had taken over their business, and he had assured Ann all would go well, for their was nothing wrong with her, except her pelvis bones had been just a little small, really marginal, for allowing the baby to pass through the birth canal. Tony had finally lucked into a job as a carpet installer, apprenticed to a man who had a thriving business. After a while, Tony had decided to go into his own business with a fellow employee, and they started a company as a partnership, although against Ann’s feelings that he just was not ready to handle the finances of a business, and she didn’t trust this partner, whom she only knew as “Billy.”

Although Tony and Billy consistently brought home a decent paycheck for back then, for the first six months, Ann remained worried that it would work out in the long-run. But she happily brought home her beautiful little half-Italian baby girl, they got along with her folks in the new house fabulously, and Life seemed to give them a reprieve, for a while. Cindy paid her a visit during a visit home with her folks, and everything went well, until one day, her sister appeared at their doorstep, with her year-old daughter Lynette It seemed that Mickey was fed up with Elaine lying in bed most of the day, ignoring their child and her wifely house duties, and aside to Ann’s father, said he tried, but she just didn’t seem all there, and he wasn’t up to raising the child on his own. That was the last we saw of him.

Our almost idyllic home quickly deteriorated, as I had to give up the nursery to Elaine and her daughter. My Mom tried to put her foot down with Elaine, and told her she was responsible for her child, but day after day, we were awakened by her cries for attention, a change of diaper, and food, and slowly, my mother ended up tending to her most of the time. So we sold the house, and Tony and I moved into an older house in Arlington. For me, the Light at the end of the tunnel, was when Tony declared I didn’t have to return to work, and with the Florida Junior College opening up a campus out Westside, I could return to school, and get my college degree!

Ann was ecstatic as she happily planned out her course load, and decided to declare Education as her major. After a couple of courses in that field, she decided it was just too restrictive for teachers, and she changed her major to Medical Technology. She already had most of the general curriculum out of the way the first year, and the courses left were in math, science, and Medical Technology, and she happily pictured herself in a medical laboratory with colorful tubes all lined up, while she washed the used test tubes by hand. Nursing was out,for she hated making beds, and could not see herself emptying bedpans, not realizing, they had helpers to do that sort of thing. But Laboratory work was for her, she was sure!

To get her two year degree in Medical Technology, it really took close to three years, once the three semesters of internship in a teaching hospital was accomplished. Several things happened in Tony’s life that had her worried she may not make it the three years, before she would have to get another job. Then Tony began to have trouble with his knees, for installing carpet requires the use of a gadget for stretching the carpet to a firm fit, which required powerful kicks with one’s knees, and Tony was having swollen knees after almost three years of this strenuous work. The other problem was Billy, and something else very sinister with another man they did business with, reminding Ann of the Mafia like tactics the car washer owner used. They began to get mysterious threatening phone calls, and once the FBI called, wanting to talk to Tony, and the Sheriff’s office called also. Ann informed them she knew nothing of Tony’s business, didn’t even know who this Billy was, but apparently, Billy had been writing bad checks off their company’s checking account.

Just having bad luck in getting a good job was one thing, but when the government and police became involved, that was more than what Ann could take, and after several months of these sort of things, Ann and Tony quarreled, and Ann kicked him out. She then informed him they would have to sell the house, use the money to pay off their bills, and Ann realized she would be starting over with a child only three years old, but if she could just make it through December, she would graduate, and hopefully begin a real career in a hospital. That’s when she really began to think about how crummy her life with Tony had been, and she didn’t understand how she had attracted all these unfortunate happenings in her life.

For years she was furious with Tony, blaming it all on him, but slowly, she began to realize, she brought it on herself, by not knowing and thinking about what she really wanted out of life. She had just taken everything as it came, without any real standards or principles to guide her. She had tried religion, and had been disappointed in the hypocrisy she saw in both her beloved Lutheran Church, although Pastor Gerkin had taught her so much about Christianity, but it was herself who was hypocritical, not living up to the Principles taught by Jesus, not really understanding we are the ones who bring our own Fate on ourselves. She vowed to herself, she would look for these guidelines, in whatever religion she investigated, she would follow the Principles outlined by the leaders of these religious movements, and hopefully, her life would change for the better.

That was as brief and outline of my life as I could remember for now, and now I am ready to begin the real meat of what this blog is all about, for it will be easier to explain these Principles and Standards I began to try to live by, although I still had a lot of lessons to learn, and more sorrows than I can express, Buddha based his religion around the idea, that this Reality is a Vale of Sorrows, and when I came across that concept in a course on Eastern Religions I managed to squeeze in my course studies, I really did not realize just how true that statement is, for nothing teaches us better than our own life’s experiences, although it sometimes seems that others have it so much easier than we do, still everyone has lessons they are destined to learn as their life goes by. I am really excited about finally getting to this point, and I hope I haven’t lost too many who might have been interested in what I have to say. I can’t say I’m the most talented in writing, or in how to tell stories, or explain deep concepts in a way that most can understand, I plan to do my best, in hopes you will enjoy my story and what I’ve learned along the way.