I certainly wasn’t the first person to jump into an early marriage prematurely, but when I walked down the aisle and made those vows under the watchful eyes of a Catholic priest and family and friends, it was with all intentions of this being for life, unto death, and that is probably the only reason why I made it nine years before even considering severing that bond. Becoming a Catholic, thinking my new husband was also devoted to Church and to his new wife, I at first rationalized that having a husband who could not seem to bring in an adequate paycheck was no reason to back out of this situation. After all, my parents had had their rough days, and they had survived the years. But after feeling as though we were constantly under a big black cloud that just would not let up, and after having lost baby after baby, before finally having a beautiful daughter, and after having a fire that almost destroyed a house we finally had obtained, I had to face the fact that I was just too unhappy and insecure to continue the charade.

Let me try to explain what happened to lead up to this drastic decision……

Approximately two years after our wedding, Tony was honorably discharged from the Navy, with basically nothing to show for his four years in the service. With no where to go, and no money to rent a home, they headed to a residential area outside of Boston, moving in with Tony’s parents, and both began to look for a civilian job. Tony had no skills, no education beyond his high school diploma, but promised he would mop floors at night, if that was what it took. By that time, Ann realized she was pregnant, and had not gone to a doctor as yet, but planned to once they had some money coming in. Although Tony looked and looked for a job, nothing other that a highly suspect car wash company offered him any work. Ann looked in the local paper, saw an ad for a receptionist in an insurance office, applied, and immediately went to work. It paid minimum wage of that time, but was more than what Tony had been offered, along with tips. Tony returned home each night tired and dirty, and Ann suspected the Italian man who ran the business ran some sort of Mafia business behind the scenes, especially after Tony kept telling her he planed on “promoting” him to some sort of delivery job.

With no one to mentor them that Ann would trust, three months went by. They argued about the so-called job Tony was working, with no pay that Ann could see coming in she started packing her suitcases, planning to head home to Jacksonville. Living with a large family was quite stressful for her, but she tried her best to be friendly to Tony’s family. They were nice enough, though she seldom saw anything of Tony’s father. His mother was very sweet to Ann, but very worn out, and didn’t have anything much to say. His two sisters were young, still in high school, and the youngest about 5th or 6th grade. His brother, Eddie and his wife Elisa lived on the bottom floor of the Old New England house, while Tony and Ann were given an attic room, with just a bed and a dresser. Eliza and Ann became friends, at least they were close in age, and Eliza was taking care of her young child, about a year old. They really had very little in common, but paled around when Ann wasn’t working, and Tony was at the car wash.

Ann became convinced there was something not right about that car wash, when the owner invited Tony and a few other people over to explain some business proposition he was putting together. Exactly what that was, Ann had no idea, for the wives and girlfriends were not allowed to sit in on the meeting. Tony was very vague about what it was, and as the weeks went by, he never seemed to be bringing any money home from all his hours spent laboring at the car was. Finally, they had a big argument, and Ann packed her things into two suitcases, and while trying to drag them down from the attic room, she slipped, and went bumping down the stairs. Immediately, it seemed everyone in the house was there, asking her if she was okay. Ann was dazed, and after a little while, started having pains in her abdomen. Tony and Eliza helped her into Eddie’s car, and they headed into Boston to the Boston Women’s Hospital, where they took her right in.

After examining her, interns and doctors advised her that she was probably about five to six months along, much too soon for the child to be born safely. They immediately began to administer hormones by I.V. to try to stop the contractions. As the hours went by, however, the pains became more and more severe, and it was apparent to Ann, that it was of no avail. Tony, being uneducated about pregnancy and childbirth, left with his friends to have drinks and cigars, celebrating the birth of a baby with no chance of making it. The hours passed, and finally Ann lost consciousness, and when she finally woke up, she was informed that the baby did not make it. Actually, Ann felt a sense of relief, rather than deep sorrow, for she felt that it was better for the child, since they could not even afford a home for any of them.

When she was released, after waiting all day for someone to pick her up, she informed Tony she was returning to Jacksonville, for she felt their chances at Tony and her getting employment was much better there. So they packed their few belongings in a small open trailer Tony rented to hook onto the back of an old car of a friend who had agreed to take them to Jacksonville in. Ann was furious about the trailer, because, naturally, it began to rain frogs and lizards as soon as they passed by New York, and many of her treasured science fiction books were destroyed by the time they arrived in Jacksonville.

Fortunately, Ann’s folks had bought a three bedroom house in Southside, that was actually nicer than their house in Arlington, although older, and in an older settled neighborhood, nearby where she had attended First and Second grade as a child. They also had two new members of their family, to Ann’s delight, two Chihuahuas, named Jose and Margarita, and shortly after their moving in, her Dad showed up one night with a third very small Chihuahua they named Tina Maria, but called Teeny Weenie. She was so cute, when her Dad pulled her out of his shirt pocket, wearing a miniature Sombrero, shaking like a leaf. It turned out that a child visiting them had mishandled Teeny, and she was permanently a very nervous little dog, although vicious in defending Ann’s mother from any perceived threat.

Not long after that Ann obtained a job at Blue Cross/Blue Shield as a clerk scanning mail from subscriber’s, and she quickly learned to whom to refer the replies to, even composing some of the simple replies herself. Somehow, Tony and Ann managed to buy an old car that was somewhat reliable, so Ann could drive to Riverside for work. Tony managed to get one menial job after another, for the coming year, although none of them worked out for the long run, and they rented a very small house in Arlington. Then Ann discovered she was pregnant again, although no one would speak that word back then, rather whispering “P.G.” That pregnancy ended one day, when Ann felt some painful cramping, stayed home from work, and called her doctor, but by the time the doctor called back, the fetus had expelled itself, when she felt an urge to go to the bathroom. Ann had gazed down into the bloody water and could not bring herself to retrieve whatever horror of nature she imagined it might be, and flushed the toilet, to the doctor’s shock, and nervous laugh. Ann was shocked at herself, but had never seen so much blood, and in a flash, it was gone.

One thing could be said about their marriage, no matter how desperate their finances were, whether Ann or Tony were apparently quite fertile, she found herself “P. G” again in a few months. By this time, Ann was determined this baby was going to be okay, and planned to quit work when she was about six months along. Blue Cross did not provide any kind of maternity leave, but she thought surely they would hire her back after she spent a few months home with the baby. However, Tony found himself out of a job when the baby was almost due, and decided to return to Boston to look for a job and a house to live in after the baby arrived.

In the meantime, Ann spent her time reading her books and painting by number, as her feet swelled, and she got closer and closer to the time of her delivery. Finally, one evening, after her friend Janet had paid her a visit at her mother’s home, where she had moved in again, she began to have severe cramping and called her doctor, an elderly and kindly man of much experience delivering babies at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Riverside. He had her come in the next day, for the contractions were not getting closer together as they should. Since she was nowhere near dilating, he sent her home with instructions to take paregoric for the pain. It did help the pain somewhat, but the contractions continued after it wore off. So finally, on the night of the Full Moon, he admitted her, though the hospital was so full, there were no rooms to be had.

Rather than doing something to induce the labor, he continued to watch her, until it was obvious, that baby just was not coming on its own. So he had her X-rayed and they prepared her for a Cesarean section. Finally, Ann thought, something was happening, as the anesthesiologist put her to sleep, praying she would have a beautiful little girl to take home. But when she woke, she didn’t know where she was at first, but she thought she recognized the curtains as the ones in her Aunt Frances’ house, then she saw Frances staring at her with a sad look on her face, and Ann realized where she was. “What’s wrong?” she managed to get out, then saw her Mother standing beside Frances with the same sad look. Ann’s worst nightmare was that the baby might be born deformed, or have something terribly wrong with it. She was almost relieved, when she was informed, that the baby had had the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck, and had suffocated before it could be delivered. The doctor was beside himself, for he knew he had made the wrong decision by not taking the baby sooner, but Ann asked if there was any reason why she couldn’t have another, holding his hand , trying to console him.

Amazingly people from their Arlington neighborhood visited her, and expressed their condolences at her loss, but Ann kept up her appearance that she was handling the situation okay. Inwardly though, she was furious that Tony was again not with her, during her time of need. Why she didn’t just end this charade of a marriage, then who knows, except that somehow she felt there was a child, a little girl would come from this marriage, and amazingly, a year later, Ann and Tony found themselves doing much better, and purchased another house in Arlington, and had it furnished nicely, including a crib and bassinet in the third bedroom for the baby she knew would make it this time.

She, Tony and her parents had all decided to buy a home together before that, and had bought a four bedroom house with a den, living room and dining room, and Denise had been born, with no problems, for the doctor had put her in the hospital a week early to make sure it would be okay. The elderly doctor had retired, and his younger partner had taken over their business, and he had assured Ann all would go well, for their was nothing wrong with her, except her pelvis bones had been just a little small, really marginal, for allowing the baby to pass through the birth canal. Tony had finally lucked into a job as a carpet installer, apprenticed to a man who had a thriving business. After a while, Tony had decided to go into his own business with a fellow employee, and they started a company as a partnership, although against Ann’s feelings that he just was not ready to handle the finances of a business, and she didn’t trust this partner, whom she only knew as “Billy.”

Although Tony and Billy consistently brought home a decent paycheck for back then, for the first six months, Ann remained worried that it would work out in the long-run. But she happily brought home her beautiful little half-Italian baby girl, they got along with her folks in the new house fabulously, and Life seemed to give them a reprieve, for a while. Cindy paid her a visit during a visit home with her folks, and everything went well, until one day, her sister appeared at their doorstep, with her year-old daughter Lynette It seemed that Mickey was fed up with Elaine lying in bed most of the day, ignoring their child and her wifely house duties, and aside to Ann’s father, said he tried, but she just didn’t seem all there, and he wasn’t up to raising the child on his own. That was the last we saw of him.

Our almost idyllic home quickly deteriorated, as I had to give up the nursery to Elaine and her daughter. My Mom tried to put her foot down with Elaine, and told her she was responsible for her child, but day after day, we were awakened by her cries for attention, a change of diaper, and food, and slowly, my mother ended up tending to her most of the time. So we sold the house, and Tony and I moved into an older house in Arlington. For me, the Light at the end of the tunnel, was when Tony declared I didn’t have to return to work, and with the Florida Junior College opening up a campus out Westside, I could return to school, and get my college degree!

Ann was ecstatic as she happily planned out her course load, and decided to declare Education as her major. After a couple of courses in that field, she decided it was just too restrictive for teachers, and she changed her major to Medical Technology. She already had most of the general curriculum out of the way the first year, and the courses left were in math, science, and Medical Technology, and she happily pictured herself in a medical laboratory with colorful tubes all lined up, while she washed the used test tubes by hand. Nursing was out,for she hated making beds, and could not see herself emptying bedpans, not realizing, they had helpers to do that sort of thing. But Laboratory work was for her, she was sure!

To get her two year degree in Medical Technology, it really took close to three years, once the three semesters of internship in a teaching hospital was accomplished. Several things happened in Tony’s life that had her worried she may not make it the three years, before she would have to get another job. Then Tony began to have trouble with his knees, for installing carpet requires the use of a gadget for stretching the carpet to a firm fit, which required powerful kicks with one’s knees, and Tony was having swollen knees after almost three years of this strenuous work. The other problem was Billy, and something else very sinister with another man they did business with, reminding Ann of the Mafia like tactics the car washer owner used. They began to get mysterious threatening phone calls, and once the FBI called, wanting to talk to Tony, and the Sheriff’s office called also. Ann informed them she knew nothing of Tony’s business, didn’t even know who this Billy was, but apparently, Billy had been writing bad checks off their company’s checking account.

Just having bad luck in getting a good job was one thing, but when the government and police became involved, that was more than what Ann could take, and after several months of these sort of things, Ann and Tony quarreled, and Ann kicked him out. She then informed him they would have to sell the house, use the money to pay off their bills, and Ann realized she would be starting over with a child only three years old, but if she could just make it through December, she would graduate, and hopefully begin a real career in a hospital. That’s when she really began to think about how crummy her life with Tony had been, and she didn’t understand how she had attracted all these unfortunate happenings in her life.

For years she was furious with Tony, blaming it all on him, but slowly, she began to realize, she brought it on herself, by not knowing and thinking about what she really wanted out of life. She had just taken everything as it came, without any real standards or principles to guide her. She had tried religion, and had been disappointed in the hypocrisy she saw in both her beloved Lutheran Church, although Pastor Gerkin had taught her so much about Christianity, but it was herself who was hypocritical, not living up to the Principles taught by Jesus, not really understanding we are the ones who bring our own Fate on ourselves. She vowed to herself, she would look for these guidelines, in whatever religion she investigated, she would follow the Principles outlined by the leaders of these religious movements, and hopefully, her life would change for the better.

That was as brief and outline of my life as I could remember for now, and now I am ready to begin the real meat of what this blog is all about, for it will be easier to explain these Principles and Standards I began to try to live by, although I still had a lot of lessons to learn, and more sorrows than I can express, Buddha based his religion around the idea, that this Reality is a Vale of Sorrows, and when I came across that concept in a course on Eastern Religions I managed to squeeze in my course studies, I really did not realize just how true that statement is, for nothing teaches us better than our own life’s experiences, although it sometimes seems that others have it so much easier than we do, still everyone has lessons they are destined to learn as their life goes by. I am really excited about finally getting to this point, and I hope I haven’t lost too many who might have been interested in what I have to say. I can’t say I’m the most talented in writing, or in how to tell stories, or explain deep concepts in a way that most can understand, I plan to do my best, in hopes you will enjoy my story and what I’ve learned along the way.

Cousins Off To College

How does one go from being a care-free kid to suddenly an adult with adult responsibilities and adult expectations, while still in the body of basically, a teenager? Well, it doesn’t happen instantaneously, it happens very slowly, over the years, despite one’s immature mind wishing it was so. If it could happen in a flash, that would be magic, wouldn’t it? Diving headlong into marriage, when one is still only seventeen, is a recipe for disaster, but how many young people back in the fifties and the sixties, did exactly that, if not among the lucky ones, like my cousins Robbie and Angie, whose parents were determined they were going to college, whether they liked it or not.

Angie had been a so-so student, but found herself attending the University of Florida, having no idea what she wanted to be when she graduated. Her only real problem in her mind, was whether or not she was going to get that Jaguar she had let her parents know she desired for her upcoming birthday, and which boy she would spend her weekends and holidays with. Robbie, on the other hand, had only wanted to enlist in the military, and become a fighter pilot. When he tried to join when only seventeen, Uncle Frankie had stormed into the recruitment office, and was told where he could retrieve his son from, after finding out he was not of age. What happened to Robbie when they got home is reminiscent of what happened to my sister when she couldn’t tell my Dad where I was to be found. In August he found himself enrolled at Florida State University, like it or not. The one good thing he got out of it, was getting accepted into the Florida State University Circus, as a trapeze catcher..After a dismal year, and failing grades, he re-enlisted, and eventually became a decorated fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, then making a career out of the military. His sister, to her credit, stuck it out for four years, getting her R.N. in nursing.

In the meantime, Ann and Tony headed for their very small trailer in Key West in a dilapidated old Mercury that once might have been quite nice in a better day and age. Their wedding had been beautiful, so they both were told, though the looks on both their faces in the photo of them exiting the church afterwards, told everyone of the doubt they both had, that they had done the right thing. Ann’s mother had made her gown, with a train so heavy, it was difficult to pull it down the aisle behind her. The reception had been held at Ann’s family home, with her Dad serving chilled champagne, out of shiny new garbage cans full of ice. Along with gifts from so many relatives, and Tony’s family, and items from Ann’s Hope chest, the old Mercury was filled to the brim.

The Honeymoon

The Honeymoon was a one-night stay in Daytona, and even that was not what Ann had planned, or hoped for. Tony let her know on the way there, that there was a baseball game on T.V. he didn’t want to miss. Ann loved baseball no more than she loved football, although she knew more about the game because of her Dad’s love for the game. He had even taken her to some of the Jacksonville’s Sun’s games, but she was more interested in eating a hotdog and fries, and watching the crowd. Surely, Ann thought, he can’t prefer watching a game to consummating his marriage, can he? Even after taking a shower and donning her sexy negligee, Tony’s interest was only on that game. It wouldn’t have been their first time, but by-passing that sacred ritual was not what she expected at all. But by that time, she was so tired from the day’s events, she soon fell asleep.

Ann had no idea what awaited them in Key West, but bore her disappointment in silence the next day on their long drive there. Soon enough they came to the infamous seven mile bridge over which Ann prayed they would traverse with no mishap. Finally, the end was in sight, just as the old car stuttered, then died, and somehow they coasted into a wayside restaurant, where they called for a pick up truck to take them into Key West. The two brothers that picked them up, cheerfully helped them unpack their belongings into the trailer, where they arrived just before midnight. Little did Ann know this was just the beginning of their many mishaps and misfortunes that plagued their marriage.

Not that Ann did not feel something akin to love, but closer to pity, for the man she now realized was not the intelligent, steadfast man she had believed him to be. He was nice looking, except for the scar on the left side of his head, where he had backed into the propellers of a plane warming up for takeoff on the aircraft carrier he had been stationed on. He had then spent over six months of his service time, in rehabilitation after barely surviving that accident, and was left with excruciating migraine headaches throughout the nine year marriage.

Time Spent in Key West

Their time spent in Key West was more than a disappointment to Ann, since it turned out they could barely afford the payments on the eight by twenty foot trailer they inhabited. Ann looked for an office job, but was disappointed to find there were no jobs, especially for service wives, and she couldn’t picture herself as a waitress or sale clerk. However, she spent much time taking the bus into Key West, exploring a lovely little library, well stocked with her favorite science fiction books, written by classic writers like Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, and Andre Norton, also A.E. Van Vogt, who was new to her. She also learned there was a Yoga program on TV, taught by Richard Hittleman, out of Miami, which she followed along with every morning at 0800, military time. They had paid to have that joke of a car repaired several times times, then finally Tony found another sailor to take it off their hands.

Slowly, Ann realized how poorly Tony was at managing their meager income, and took over paying their bills herself, feeling far more qualified, since she had taken a bookkeeping course, when she had been taking a typing course also. She also learned that Tony had no skills at being a handy man, such as her father had been, and fortunately had brought along a small tool box her father had given her.She quickly had hung a few pictures, and put up a rack in the kitchen for kitchen gadgets and tools, feeling quite proud of herself. Then she prayed their small refrigerator and stove would continue working, and took their clothes to a laundromat about a half-mile away. There was no air conditioning for people like them, in those days. Constant heat and humidity kept them constantly wet and sticky, even right after their baths in the evening, before bedtime. To add insult to injury, a truck spraying for mosquitoes came around every night, spraying them with God-knows what kind of chemicals.

Looking back on the situation, Ann really couldn’t remember exactly when they consummated their marriage. Tony had probably been a virgin himself, being quite inept at husbandly services, or duties, or whatever it was in his eyes. She really didn’t know, for they never talked about it. However, not two weeks later, she came down with a horrible urinary tract infection, which she suffered through that night, because he had a baseball game. That night seemed endless to Ann, the pain was so excruciating.To Ann’s horror, she found herself wishing that Tony would somehow leave this world, leaving her with whatever life insurance the Navy provided for enlisted men. The next day, he managed to take her by bus to the dispensary, where a Navy doctor made her feel totally humiliated and somehow dirty. However, she was given antibiotics, and finally, after a week, the pain went away.

A New Job, A New Home

Just as Ann was beginning to think she would have to call her parents, and beg back her bedroom, the local office of whatever civil service job called her, and she happily accepted a job as filing clerk, and the financial situation eased up for the three month period of the temporary only job. She had barely made a dent in the stacks and stacks of filing that needed to be done, but was told they didn’t have the funds to keep her on.

Foolishly when they saw the extra money coming in, they had traded in the old eight by twenty trailer for a brand new twelve by forty, or was it sixty? Either way, it felt like living in a castle in the nicely furnished home, with modern appliances, and a washing machine. The news that the job ended after just three months, was devastating for there was no way they could afford it, when the money ran out. Tony assured Ann it would be okay, for he could get a part-time job at the EM Club. That worked for about two weeks. It never occurred to Ann that they might hire her there, or that she could look for a waitressing job. They both were young and ignorant, and with no one to advise them, they packed up their things, and got a ride back to Jacksonville for Ann. Tony left the keys to the trailer with the salesperson that sold it to them, never knowing how or if he resold it.

Brief Return to Jacksonville

Upon returning to Jacksonville, Ann was dismayed to find that her parents had gotten rid of all her personal possessions, including her record player, and hundreds of 45 pop hits from the fifties. But she was home, and discovered in the meantime, that her sister Elaine was pregnant, and the boy responsible no where to be found. In this day and age, Ann’s parents were totally shamed, keeping Elaine indoors, and well hidden from the neighbors. They had found an attorney who found parents to adopt the baby to, once it was born.

Just a few weeks later, Tony called, and said he had found an apartment to rent, actually a one room efficiency, he was sure they could afford. So he showed up in a car a buddy had driven to Jacksonville for the weekend in, and they headed back to Key West. The efficiency was on the second floor of an old Key West home, and the owner was delighted to have such a “nice couple” renting it to. It actually was not too bad, except for the pull-out bed, but it made a decent sized room when bed was put away. Ann happily returned to her science fiction books, and to Yoga with Richard Hittleman, on their tiny black and white T.V.

Back to Key West, the Library and Science Fiction

Ann had been introduced to science fiction sometime in her eleventh year in high school, by her friend Kathy, with whom she had gone horseback riding with a few times. Actually, Kathy had loaned her a book by Robert Heinlein, called Starman Jones, which was given to her by her brother. Ann had never read anything like it, actually about a boy that wanted to go to Star Academy and be a navigator on a starship. In it, Heinlein described how space could actually be folded upon itself, in order to navigate through the stars. This theory by Heinlein, who was a mathematician himself, fascinated Ann. In the story, the boy meets up with a hobo, after running away from an abusive stepdad. The hobo, just happens to be a decommissioned navigator, and gives his treasured library of textbooks to the boy, who happens to have a photographic memory, and saves everyone on the ship on which he happens to get a job as a cabin boy. Up to that point, Ann had no idea there was any kind of literature called science fiction that could be had. At that point, the Nancy Drew books, had no more appeal, although she still enjoyed other good novels. So hat’s off to Kathy’s brother, who otherwise had no claim to fame than that he was a close friend of no other than Elvis Presley, when they grew up together in Arkansas.

As Fate would have it, Ann discovered that her best friend Cindy from High School had paid her a visit and let her know that her husband Phil had joined the Navy, and that he was to be stationed in Key West. Ann was delighted, for when Phil and Cindy had gotten married, they both had enrolled in a seminary for their Church in Missouri, and Ann thought she would never see her friend again. They both were musically talented and had hoped to serve their church in as music directors, with being a singer. As it turned out, Phil was assigned to the same squadron as Tony, and as soon as they were assigned Navy housing, she would join Phil there. Phil was enrolled as a petty officer due to his year or so of college. And they had a newborn baby girl so the were given a two bedroom unit, much nicer than Ann and Tony’s efficiency apartment. So much of their time was spent together, doing their shopping in the daytime, and playing Pinochle in the evening, once or twice a week.

Since Tony had come up for taking the test for 3rd Class Petty Officer, Ann had hopes, their finances might improve, but as to they explained, there was only one position open, and he was officially “quoted out”. Without her friend being there to take her to the Commissary to shop, Ann’s days there would have been pretty lonely. The coming year passed quickly, and eventually Tony was discharged, and they headed for Massachusetts to live with Tony’s parents until Tony and Ann found work. By the time they arrived there, Ann found out out she was pregnant, and a whole new chapter in their lives began.

As thrilling as I hope this chapter of my life must be, I must end this blog here for now. Ann must still go through more tribulations, before she begins to get closer to her quest for understanding life’s mysteries for herself, including understanding why she was doomed to lose baby after baby, in her efforts to become a good Catholic wife and mother, even though Tony never attended Mass with her, and she avoided Confession, which made her terribly anxious, and often had to not partake of the Lord’s Supper, because of all the imagined sins she kept committing before Sunday morning arrived.. That all that and more must be dealt with before the more exciting side to life could be learned., so please stay tuned.

Disclaimer about Religion, Spirituality, and Beliefs

It’s a real shame in our 3D world, that so many of our youth grow up without realizing the great gift that youth and health really are. For the few who are born into families that are educated and have spiritual principles to help guide themselves and the children, they are indeed fortunate. To me the most important factor to guide our children, is impressing upon them, the fact that we are more than what we seem to be in these physical bodies, with all the restrictions we must face any day. Religion is one modality for trying to impress on their young minds, that leading an ethical life is to their advantage. It also brings with it a sense of heritage, in the sense that we are all part of a culture, with the history of our particular race of beings stored within these tales.

But as I found out in my early years, religions do not unite us as a human race, but once one joins with one religion or another, it automatically begins to separate us from each other. In other words, the dogma spoon fed its members, raises its head, telling you that you are now one of the lucky ones following this faith, or another, and that all other religions, or teachings, are false, and only those following your faith will be saved from hellfire and such. I realized quite young, that even the followers of Jesus of so many denominations, have so many different views, so how does one know, truly in one’s heart, what is Truth, and what is not? As my own personal embarrassment revealed to me, no one can go about outwardly preaching that one religion or another is the “real” Truth, without getting oneself into deep cow manure.

Let me state, quite plainly, before I go about sticking my big foot in it, that what I think I have learned as being the “Truth,” is from my own personal perspective, and that perspective has continued to grow and evolve as I grow and evolve. However, I have found it to be interesting and useful in forming my own philosophy of life, and I offer what I’ve learned as a guide you may find useful, even if only for entertainment purposes. LOL If my own Dad taught me anything, you can’t go through life with that chip on your shoulder, thinking you are the only one who knows anything, or being glum all the time, because of all the disappointments that life has dealt out to you. Every single person has their own lessons to learn, and sometimes seeing what other people have had to deal with, helps you to get a different perspective on your own unfortunate events. Later when I get into some of the specific teachings, I will talk about the laws of Karma, but looking at even this big obstacle with a sense of humor can help.

My Cousin Eddie

Ann had just turned sixteen, when she was delighted one day to discover that Aunt Matilda and Uncle Bootsie had moved to Arlington also, from Lake Forest, a really old neighborhood way out Northside to Westside of Jacksonville. They had three children, Eddie, Earl, and Rosalie, the youngest being Eddie, was just a year past me. Rosie was three years older, and Ann really would have loved getting closer to her, but she and Earl had already married and left home, although she had never allowed Ann to get that close to her. However, Ann was thrilled when Eddie showed up on his dilapidated old bike, breathing heavily, not used to bicycling all over Arlington, as was Ann. Actually, it was the summer before his senior year, and he was looking for a job, so he could buy his dream car, an Olds 88. In the meantime, he managed the days he wasn’t working, to bike or hitch a ride to spend his time sitting by our pool, which Ann’s father had built for their enjoyment.

That pool was another source of physical activity Ann’s family and friends enjoyed. Her Dad just decided one day, they were going to have a pool, and with his shovel and rusty wheel barrow, began to dig a big hole in their back yard. It took a while, for he hired helpers from among the workers at the liquor company he worked for. The pool was not a prefabricated one, but had bricks laid, one by one, for the walls of the pool, and the fence around it. Even neighbors showed up when Ann’s father let them know of all the “free dirt” one could dig and cart away themselves. Her Dad was also a master of pouring cement, lovingly mixed in his rusty wheel barrow, and poured to make a patio and side walk around the pool.

So now the summer before their Senior year, Ann’s cousin Eddie and she spent hours sun-bathing, for they imagined they were Sun-worshippers of ancient Egypt, as they watched “real” clouds swirl across beautiful blue skies. The movie “Cleopatra” had been recently released, and Eddie and Ann pretended they were Egyptian royalty lazing away by their Temple pool. Neither of them really knew anything about true Egyptian culture, religion, or magic, but what they didn’t know, they made up for with vivid imaginations.

Eddie worked and saved his money, and one day not too far into the coming school year, he proudly drove up in his Olds 88, and now they could depend on Eddie to pick up Ann and whatever friends were available, for skating, or the nearby drive-in theaters. Now that’s something we rarely see any longer. Eddie didn’t seem interested too much in dating, or cried on Ann’s shoulders, when they turned him down. He made it plain his highest goal in life was to be a hair-dresser, not just to ordinary females, but to the Hollywood stars themselves. At least Ann got free services, but she didn’t like having her hair teased and sprayed heavily, so she lovingly refused his offers to style her hair.

It is to Eddie that Ann can thank for meeting Anthony, and for learning a little of the modern dances of that day. So when a girl friend suggested they go to Mayport, the nearby Naval Base, Eddie was thrilled, teaching her new steps to a popular song by Andy Williams, not his usual of titles. The only real challenge to this plan, was getting in, for civilians could only go there at the invitation of one or more of the enlisted men. Her new friend, Pattie, whom she had met one night going to a high school dance held by the Lion’s Club, assured her getting in was no problem. And true to her word, when they arrived at Mayport, she jumped out of the car, and waved down a couple of sailors just leaving the building where one had to sign in to get a sticker, allowing us to enter the base. So Pattie, Eddie, Susan and Ann entered the Base, and gleefully drove to the EM Club. As promised by Pattie, there was a live band, and although liquor was served, the rules were quite strict in making sure the one served was of age, with proper ID. Eddie, Susan and I didn’t mind, we were just there for the dancing and live music, and when Eddie requested it, they even played Andy Williams’s catchy tune, and Eddie and I took over the dance floor to demonstrate our cute and snappy dance that fit the popular tune to a “T.”

It seemed to Ann that she was destined to meet this handsome young man of Italian lineage, who sidled up to Ann’s and her friend’s table, though who could only do a slow dance, and before the night was over, managed to get her phone number. He had dark hair and brown Italian eyes, and a ready smile, and as Ann grew to know him over the coming year, his sincere, honest personally drew her to him, though she wished in her inner heart that Gene would return and propose, though he had hardly suggested any such thought. Ann weighed that against what seemed like a sure thing, and when Tony returned the following summer, and proposed, very true to his word, she reluctantly accepted his tiny little diamond ring.

It happened one night that Tony was visiting, and they were outside enjoying the cool when Tony excitedly pointed out a falling star and claimed he had asked the Maker for a sign that Ann was his true love, and there it was, the “falling” star. Tony had explained to Ann that he was a devout Catholic, and that he wanted a Catholic wedding, and for his children to be raised in the Church. (Oh, God, what would Martin Luther think??) But by then it was the next summer after Ann’s graduation, and she had been working for the IRS, which offered her a promotion if she stayed, but that was not enough to deter her, so she accepted his proposal..

Also she agreed to taking the church’s classes for converts, and they planned their wedding for September. When Tony had learned of Ann’s disappointment at not going to college, he promised her that one day he would send her back to college. Ann believed him, and he was so sincere about his Catholic faith, she figured that would be no problem, for she had fallen away from her own church, and attended the classes with the Priest at the church just down the road from her little Lutheran church. How strange life is, Ann thought, as she earnestly attended classes, not too different from the ones she attended when she was an adolescent. So here she was, about to marry this man, who was as different from her, as she could have believed, Catholic, Italian, and a sailor, to boot.

Eddie had bowed out of her life, not long after she met Tony, for he too had jokingly asked her to marry him, when they both graduated, and Ann had gently told him she couldn’t marry her cousin, because she wanted children. Ann sensed she may have really hurt him, but felt there was a deeper reason why Eddie had sought the safety of marrying his cousin, and claimed they didn’t need to have children. So he took off to California, and that was the last time she saw him.

So now it was decided, Gene hadn’t blinked an eye, when he had shown up on that motorcycle, and Ann had told him she was marrying another man. The stage was set. Ann had decided, she even flew to Boston to meet Tony’s family, and realized how different their upbringing had been, but stubbornly, she clung to the illusion that this was what she wanted. She was sure the differences didn’t matter, although they had nothing in common not even a real interest in religion, though that was to be revealed later.

Man and woman, too, only learns through tribulation, it seems, and Ann had to learn for herself. We all have to make our own mistakes, and unfortunately, these cannot be undone, once they are set into motion. If only someone, some mentor, had guided her, and told her how important all these decisions are, especially when we are young, and how different our life could be, if we stuck to our ideals, and made choices based on real principles, of what you really want out of life. No one suggested these ideals to be lived by, that ways can be found, if you really want something, like a higher education, not to give up. There were these things called Student Loans, or either agreeing to teach for a while, but no one pointed that out to Ann. Nor to set her own Self-worth high enough not to settle for a mate, just because he was convenient, even if they make attractive promises, which they probably can’t keep.